1
00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:04,376
Lovely,
and who's the request for?
2
00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,616
My husband, Kevin.
3
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:07,336
And what would you
like to say to him, love?
4
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,976
Well, just sort of tell him
that I love him
5
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,776
and I can't wait for the day
he comes home.
6
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:13,456
Aw! How long's he gonna be away?
About ten years.
7
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:14,736
Terrific.
8
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,776
So, if you're listening, Kevin,
wherever you are,
9
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,496
whatever you're doing,
have a nice day,
10
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:19,976
and this record is just for you.
11
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,376
'Without You' by Harry Nilsson
12
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:25,320
Excuse me? Eh?
13
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,176
Could I cadge a lift?
Oh, well, no, you see, we're not...
14
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,416
My name's Beal,
I've just been posted here.
15
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,480
Oh, a brother officer!
16
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,576
Yes, of course.
It'll save me the cab fare.
17
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:39,760
Oh, well, I'd, er...
I'd still claim for it, though.
18
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:42,576
Thank you.
19
00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:57,800
What's laddo in for?
20
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,816
Oh, it's, er...
It's better not to ask, you know.
21
00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,216
In my experience,
if you know what a man's done,
22
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,496
it may prejudice you against him.
23
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,376
Best to start clean.
Benefit of the doubt.
24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,320
Find out what he is,
not what he was.
25
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,576
What you in for, son?
26
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:16,896
Two years.
27
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,496
I didn't mean time, I meant offence.
28
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,240
None taken.
29
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:23,856
We know his sort, don't we?
30
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,440
See if he's still smiling
at the end of next week.
31
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,096
It's a bit bleak up here
this time of the year, but...
32
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:34,840
in the summer
there are some lovely views.
33
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:38,976
Where's the nearest town?
34
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,216
Oh, there isn't one.
35
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:42,176
Heh.
36
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,136
Have you got something to say?
37
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:46,480
You're as much prisoners as we are.
38
00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,896
Well, I can't forget this evening
39
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,696
And your face as you were leaving
40
00:01:55,720 --> 00:02:00,720
But I guess that's just
The way the story goes
41
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,136
You always smile
42
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:09,416
But in your eyes your sorrow shows
43
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:12,920
Yes, it shows
44
00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:20,496
I can't live
45
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,056
If living is without you
46
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,496
I can't live
47
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:31,096
I can't live any more
48
00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:35,536
One bunch of keys.
One diary, tartan cover.
49
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,016
One role of Sellotape.
50
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,536
One return portion ticket
Covent Garden to Ongar.
51
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,240
That's one journey you won't
be making for a while. Ring?
52
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,336
That's my wedding ring.
53
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,816
Married at your age? Daft!
54
00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:54,336
Ah, nice one, Harry.
55
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,336
Today's weather, well,
an excellent high of -2 degrees,
56
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,456
sleet and hail, but we're not gonna
let it bring us down, are we?
57
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,456
'Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick'
58
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,216
by Ian Dury And The Blockheads
59
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,320
And the gardens of Japan
60
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:13,776
From Milan to Yucatan
61
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:18,736
Every woman, every man
62
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:20,936
Hit me with your rhythm stick
63
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,936
Hit me, hit me!
64
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,296
Je t'adore, ich liebe dich
65
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,376
Hit me, hit me, hit me
66
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,776
Hit me with your rhythm stick
67
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,976
Hit me slowly, hit me quick
68
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,296
Hit me...
69
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:46,880
Pick that up, Ives!
70
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,296
What's your name? Rudge.
71
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:02,216
Mr Mackay. Mr Mackay.
72
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,776
There are only two rules
in this prison, Rudge.
73
00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,096
Are you listening to me?
74
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,976
One, you do not write on the walls.
75
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,256
Two, you obey all the rules.
76
00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:12,536
All right?
77
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,056
Carry on.
78
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,696
Hit me with your rhythm stick
79
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,296
It's nice to be a lunatic
80
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,456
Hit me, hit me
81
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,136
Hit me!
82
00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,816
Do you see yon screw
With his looks so vain?
83
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,840
With his brand-new keys
On his brand-new chain
84
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,080
With a face like a ferret
And a pea for a brain
85
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,200
And his hand on his
In the morning.
86
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:09,200
Is that you, Fletcher?
87
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,856
Is that me what, sir?
88
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,776
Satirical singing.
89
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,896
What, John Peel, sir?
That's traditional, that is.
90
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,016
Second only to my all-time
favourite, Scotland The Brave.
91
00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,856
Come where the hands are clapping
92
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,416
Come where the toes are tapping
93
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,736
Come where the jocks are strapping
Down...
94
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,136
Fletcher! Sir?
95
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,000
If you want to sing, I suggest
you form a Slade Prison Glee Club.
96
00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,440
Glee?
97
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,336
Got any snout? What if I have?
98
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,976
Well, if you have, all right.
99
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,456
If you hadn't, I was gonna offer you
some. I've got me own.
100
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:54,920
Fair enough.
101
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,280
Lennie Godber.
102
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,176
Hey, Fletch! I'm late.
103
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,296
I've got a letter from the wife.
Can you read it for me?
104
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,896
Look, Bunny, if you can't read,
how do you know it's from the wife?
105
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:20,816
It's got Elaine's scent.
106
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,416
Oh, dear! Where does Elaine work,
a tarpaulin factory?
107
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:25,776
Oh, come on, read it for me!
108
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,336
All right, all right, I'll just
give you the highlights, right?
109
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,936
"Dearest Bunny". Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
110
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,056
Blah. Blah, blah, blah...
Blah, blah, blah what?
111
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,816
It's just trivia, Bunny,
it's just trivia.
112
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,136
It's the weather, her mother's
catarrh, she's retiled the lav,
113
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,856
er, the canary's got haemorrhoids...
114
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,256
FLETCHER SIGHS
115
00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:47,056
She met a welder at the Fiesta Club
and she's thinking of moving in
116
00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,600
with him. All right, must be off,
Bunny, can't hang about.
117
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,600
We haven't got a canary.
118
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,496
As you can see, Mr Beal,
these men are gainfully employed
119
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,696
in the manufacture
of prison uniforms.
120
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,056
Gonna open my own boutique when
I get out. That'll do, Armstrong.
121
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,936
In the other workshop,
men are making metal dustbins.
122
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,936
Prisoners are also employed in our
electrical shop, maintenance shop,
123
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,176
laundry, and the prison farm.
124
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,576
Are you wearing make-up again,
Whittaker?
125
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,000
It's only a touch of rouge,
Mr Mackay. Get it off!
126
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,960
Anyone got any cleansing cream?
127
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,496
Get a lot of that, sir?
128
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,776
Insubordination?
129
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,016
Poovery.
130
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,616
Inevitable, Mr Beal.
131
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,816
We find it best to put them
all together in G Wing -
132
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,536
or, as we term it,
"married quarters".
133
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:38,856
I don't understand it myself, sir,
I never did.
134
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,536
Don't let that show, Mr Beal.
135
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,136
My attitude is, whatever he is,
each man in here...
136
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,336
is as despicable as the next one.
137
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,256
Well, that's very fair-minded
of you, sir.
138
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,800
I like to think so.
139
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:03,640
Oh, afternoon, Mr Barrowclough.
140
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:05,936
Busy, Fletcher?
141
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,616
Oh, yes, yes, busier than ever, sir.
Still, I never complain.
142
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:12,936
I can't actually see what it is
you're supposed to be doing.
143
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,296
Oh, no, it's the pigs, sir.
144
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:17,136
They won't eat
without my reassuring presence.
145
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,176
Very highly-strung,
your average pig, you know?
146
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,536
Who's he?
147
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:22,576
Oh, Rudge.
148
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,576
Newly assigned to the farm.
149
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,856
How'd he work that, then?
Pardon?
150
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,296
Well, first day inside, the farm?
151
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,936
What is he, the Governor's nephew?
152
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:32,656
A first offender!
153
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:33,976
Admin thought it best.
154
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,656
Oh, well, gawd knows, we need all
the help we can get, as you can see.
155
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:37,736
Here y'are, lad.
156
00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,056
What?
157
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,456
Shovel it. Shovel what?
Shovel that.
158
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,456
Shovel it where?
From here to there.
159
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,936
Why? Why?! Ah-ha, why...
160
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,896
If only we knew that, sonny,
but we don't, do we?
161
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:52,280
Ours not to reason why, ours
but to clean the sty. Wordsworth.
162
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,520
Yes, er, well, you'd better do
as Fletcher says.
163
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,176
This job is a privilege, you know,
Fletcher?
164
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,696
For the pigs, yeah.
165
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,656
Look, I want you to
set the lad an example.
166
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:16,576
Obviously, he's, you know, he's been
foolish to finish up inside here,
167
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,536
but I want you to show him that,
with a bit of graft,
168
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,256
he can make a success of his life.
169
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,296
Success? Oh, yeah,
I'll tell you about success.
170
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,656
I had a pal, came to London
28 years ago, right?
171
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:29,856
Without two ha'pennies
to rub together.
172
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,816
Now, he managed to scrape up
enough money
173
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,736
to get himself a little handcart.
174
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:36,776
And he went round
collecting all old newspapers.
175
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,656
Do you know what he's worth today?
176
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,176
No, what? Nothing!
177
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,960
And he still owes for the handcart.
178
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,856
The farm! Afternoon, Mr Mackay.
179
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,416
Ah, Mr Barrowclough.
180
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:58,096
The farm produces a moderate amount
of what the prison eats.
181
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,776
We've a little livestock,
as you see. Some pigs, poultry.
182
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,296
A few allotments for the older lags.
183
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,680
Ah, yes.
184
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,336
No guided tour of Slade Prison
would be complete
185
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,896
without meeting
Fletcher, Norman Stanley.
186
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,016
Afternoon, Mr Mackay, Mr Beal.
187
00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:15,656
How do you know my name?
188
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:17,536
Oh, it gets around, sir.
It doesn't take long.
189
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:20,080
I expect you're already a legend
on some bog walls.
190
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,496
Typical recidivist, this one.
191
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,496
Been doing porridge
most of his life.
192
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,296
Never, I repeat, never...
193
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,056
give him the benefit of the doubt.
194
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,816
Oh, come on, Mr Mackay, you know me.
195
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,896
Bide me time, keep me nose clean.
I'm no bother, am I?
196
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,896
Long to do? Long enough.
197
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,416
What you in for?
198
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,056
Got caught.
199
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,600
Got the picture?
200
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,096
What sort of pie is this?
Fruit pie.
201
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,616
Yes, I realise that. I merely
wondered what sort of fruit.
202
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,696
I dunno. It just comes out of a tin
marked "fruit pie filling".
203
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,456
So, we have no clue
as to its origins?
204
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,640
No, it's not oranges. It's more
like, er...
205
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,760
..plum, or damson.
206
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,296
What's the hold-up, Fletch?
207
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,856
Oh, it's the defrocked dentist
having a go at the cuisine again.
208
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,456
Move along, Banyard.
209
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:22,536
This food has not one ounce
of nutritional value.
210
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,840
Come on, Egon Ronay, shift yourself!
211
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,456
That's the matter with you people,
Fletcher.
212
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,256
None of you exercise your right
to complain.
213
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:33,456
Listen, if you don't move on,
my son,
214
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:36,456
I'm gonna exercise my right forearm
down your throat!
215
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:37,960
That'll do.
216
00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,096
Put your complaint in writing,
Banyard.
217
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,160
Will it do any good? No.
218
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,256
Hello, Len. Hello, Fletch. 'Ere.
219
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,656
It's the laddo's first day here.
220
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,720
Do him a favour, will you?
Give him a small portion.
221
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,016
You're not doing yourself any
favours, are you, Banyard, eh?
222
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,536
All you're doing is getting up other
people's noses, ain't ya?
223
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,816
We have certain rights.
No, we don't. We're in the nick.
224
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,096
I suppose you think you're entitled
to something better
225
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:16,176
just because you went to
a public school, is that it?
226
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,536
On the contrary, Ives,
I'm well used to this kind of food.
227
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,616
I went to Harrow.
228
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:20,896
Oh, ho-ho, that's good, innit?
229
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,376
That's a good advert for
the public school system, innit, eh?
230
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,456
Prepares you for the nick!
231
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,976
Of course, it's worse for him in
here than for most of us, innit?
232
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,576
Cos he has had further to drop.
Professional man, dentist.
233
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,776
Tragic.
What do you mean, Fletcher? Tragic?
234
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,856
I mean, it's no laughing matter
for that woman he had
235
00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:36,376
under the laughing gas, was it?
There's no need for that, Ives.
236
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,496
We don't have to keep
unearthing each other's pasts.
237
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,136
I'm paying for my peccadillos.
Oh, that's good.
238
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:43,616
Well, if you're paying,
I'll have a large one.
239
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,376
What's a peccadillo?
240
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,736
It's a South African bird.
241
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:49,536
It flies backwards to stop
getting the sand in its eyes.
242
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,400
No. No.
I know what you mean, though.
243
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,896
It's an animal, called the, er...
armadildo.
244
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,696
"Armadildo."
245
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,976
No, no, no.
That was King Arthur's codpiece.
246
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,056
I think that's what I'm eating,
an' all.
247
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:12,976
Don't worry, it may never happen.
248
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,920
It already has. I'm here, ain't I?
249
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,296
Now, look.
250
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,976
Whatever you're in here for,
you did it, didn't ya?
251
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,536
Bang to rights. Yeah.
252
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:25,936
Yeah. Just like me.
253
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,616
If we hadn't been caught, we'd have
been Jack the Lad, wouldn't we?
254
00:13:28,640 --> 00:13:31,376
But we was, we was collared,
and that's that.
255
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,016
So, don't bleat.
256
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:34,776
If you can't do the time,
don't do the crime.
257
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,480
I ain't bleating! Good.
258
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,176
Prison is like life, you know.
259
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,456
You need something to believe in
in here.
260
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,696
Something to hang on to
so you don't go under.
261
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,456
Can't buck the system.
It's mad to try.
262
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,840
But, you can lift the heart
with an occasional little victory.
263
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,216
Well, nice talking to you, Rudge.
264
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,880
Oh, one more thing...
265
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,776
Don't hang about in here too long.
266
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:09,576
Ambush Alley, they call this.
267
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,496
Not a safe place in the nick.
268
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:12,696
You get 'em all in 'ere -
269
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,176
transvestites, homosexuals,
drug addicts, the lot.
270
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,296
I tell ya, when someone walks
in 'ere, just sits down
271
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,440
and gets on with it,
it's like a breath of fresh air.
272
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:25,576
Oi!
273
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,576
Most areas of
the Home Counties are again
274
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:28,816
affected by major power cuts.
275
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,176
Talks between the Government
and the union were broken off
276
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,576
following their rejection
of a 14% pay increase.
277
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,576
Freezing fog and black ice...
278
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,160
Shoes all right, Mr Grout?
279
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,216
OK. On your way, Jacko.
280
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,520
THE ARCHERS THEME PLAYS
281
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,536
I don't like the look
of that new 'un.
282
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,256
What's his name, Beal? Yeah.
283
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:57,976
And put me king back, Fletch.
284
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,896
What are you incinerating, Hedley?
285
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,896
It's there, and it was there!
286
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,216
Oh, was it?
287
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:04,536
Oh, maybe I shook the table.
288
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,256
I dunno, maybe the wind
blew it there.
289
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,376
That's why they're called draughts,
you know, the wind blows them about.
290
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,696
Hm. Go on, put it back, then.
Put it where you like,
291
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,976
if winning is all that important
to you.
292
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,656
I'll have it where it was,
thank you.
293
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,176
I don't mind losing, so long as
it's all fair and square.
294
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,296
Show me a man who laughs at defeat,
295
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,976
and I will show you a Black
chiropodist with a sense of humour.
296
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,896
It's 7.24...
297
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,736
Almost lock-up, Mr Beal.
298
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,576
Then I'll buy you a jar.
I wouldn't say no to that, sir.
299
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:34,216
The prison officers
have formed a club.
300
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,416
It's known as
the Prison Officers Club.
301
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,096
It was formerly the coke store
before we converted to gas.
302
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:40,176
A little basic, perhaps.
303
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,376
But it's remarkable what you can do
with a pot of paint,
304
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,096
a few horse brasses.
305
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,120
And a little imagination.
I'll look forward to it, sir.
306
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:49,696
Oh, ah, sorry, Mr Mackay.
307
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:50,736
What are you up to, Ives?
308
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,776
Now, listen, Mr Mackay...
Always up to something,
309
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,096
aren't you, Ives?
310
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,976
This is Ives, Mr Beal.
311
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,976
Horrible, Ives. Aren't you?
312
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Well, if you say so, sir.
313
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,176
Don't be cheeky, Ives.
314
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,536
Oh, dear, what a shame. Just when
you was poised for victory.
315
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,296
Don't worry.
We'll continue this tomorrow.
316
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,536
Ah, well, I dunno when I'm free
tomorrow, do I?
317
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,760
I shall have to consult
my social diary.
318
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,736
"Oh, well, that's all
I have time for.
319
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,736
"There's the ironing to be done
before Starsky and Hutch.
320
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,840
"Needless to say, I love you,
and miss your loving..."
321
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,176
"Arms", I think it is.
322
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,696
Yeah, would be arms, yeah.
323
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,976
Hm. Then it's lots of hugs
and kisses. Nice letter.
324
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:44,296
So, there's nothing in here
about a welder or a canary?
325
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,440
No, I would've noticed.
326
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,176
Hey! What?
327
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,520
There weren't no welder,
or a canary.
328
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,000
And I never thought there were,
neither.
329
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,240
What's he on about? Search me.
330
00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,176
Stir crazy, perhaps. Yeah.
331
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,616
Hey, how did that kid Rudge
manage to wangle the farm?
332
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,136
I dunno. Charm, I shouldn't wonder.
333
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,616
Been sitting in his cell since chow,
just staring at the wall.
334
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,216
Ah, well, he's just had his first
experience of your cottage pie,
335
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,256
ain't he?
336
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,400
Best not to move about too much
after that, innit?
337
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,256
He's only a kid.
338
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,416
Oh, dear, listen to her!
339
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,576
No, I just remember the first night
I come in here.
340
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,560
How I felt when that door
banged shut.
341
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,976
Hey, why don't you
go and have a word with him? Why?
342
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,616
Well, you're good at
that sort of thing.
343
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,336
You perked me up
when I first come inside.
344
00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,456
Listen, I broke you in, Godber,
because you was forced upon my cell.
345
00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,136
And it was in my interest
not to have a manic depressive
346
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,880
in the bottom bunk, wasn't it, eh?
347
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,736
Suit yourself.
348
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,640
I will, I will.
349
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,576
Oh, dear. 'Ere, you owe me
some darning wool.
350
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,856
Already gave you some!
351
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,016
That was in exchange for the orange.
352
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,336
Tangerine!
353
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:01,576
Besides, that was to pay me
for the stamp.
354
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,576
What stamp? For your pools.
355
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,856
I paid you for the stamp
with a squirt of me toothpaste.
356
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:07,400
No, that was for the darning wool.
357
00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,576
Well, look, I'm not gonna sit here
arguing the toss with you all night.
358
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:13,576
Have you got any or haven't ya?
359
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,096
Yeah. Well, are you gonna
give me some or ain't ya?
360
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:18,440
Yeah.
361
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,216
What, just like that?
Free, gratis and for nothing?
362
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,360
Yeah. Cobblers!
363
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:25,936
All away!
364
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,896
Let's have them away now!
365
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,816
All away!
366
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,816
Evening, all. Good evening,
Mr Mackay. Good evening.
367
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:59,176
Ah, Chalky. Evening.
Ah, what'll you have, sir?
368
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,016
No, no, no, my shout.
369
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,176
Henry?
370
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,856
Oh, no, I'd better not.
I must be off in a minute.
371
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,136
Nonsense, man!
He'll have the same again.
372
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,696
And Mr Beal and I will have
a pint of your finest.
373
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,080
I'll have a dram as well,
on the side. Purely medicinal.
374
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,280
Quite snug in here, don't you think?
375
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,816
Very nice.
376
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,616
Any suggestions, you know,
put them to the committee.
377
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,616
Of which I happen to be
the chairman. Ah, I will, yes.
378
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,976
Oh, the good thing about
a club like this is
379
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,216
it gives the men a chance to unwind
at the end of the day,
380
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,056
have a few laughs. Isn't that right,
Henry?
381
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:39,520
Y... Oh, yes, it's...
invaluable, in that respect.
382
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,296
Ah, welcome sight! First today.
383
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,760
Thank you. Here's to you, Mr Beal.
Here's to you, Mr Mackay.
384
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,976
I, uh, found what you had to say
very instructive, sir.
385
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,576
Well, one does one's best to be
helpful, you know.
386
00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,696
Oh, very helpful. Cheers.
387
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,280
Bottoms up. Oh, aye.
Down the hatch.
388
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,616
No, you haven't entered
a glamour profession, Mr Beal.
389
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,816
We're underpaid, understaffed,
and overlooked.
390
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,016
Even though every time
we walk these landings,
391
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,536
we put our lives on the line.
392
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:17,056
Well, if you can't stand the heat,
get out of the kitchen.
393
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,856
And the public never hears of us,
of course.
394
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,376
Except adversely.
395
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:24,896
When some namby-pamby politician
takes up the case of a psychopath
396
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,656
who claims that we've been less
than gentle with him.
397
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,176
What do they know, sir?!
398
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:30,496
See, that's why...
399
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,496
That's why you'll find that
we're a pretty tight bunch here.
400
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,056
Unified, if you like!
401
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:39,816
Unified in the face of criminal
hostility, and public indifference.
402
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:43,440
That's why this place
is so important to us all.
403
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:50,040
Where the hell is everybody?!
404
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,720
No!
405
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,720
You awake, Fletch?
406
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,056
No.
407
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,936
It's that bloke Atkinson.
408
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,376
Mmm.
409
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:32,536
He keeps getting
these terrible nightmares.
410
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,976
I know, yeah.
411
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:37,600
He told the shrink about it,
but all he's given him is aspirin.
412
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,216
You have to feel compassion,
don't you? Yeah.
413
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,256
A human soul in such torment.
414
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:51,200
Belt up, Atkinson, you noisy scrote!
415
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,000
Let's be having you!
416
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:08,656
Morning, Atkinson.
Sleeping better, are we?
417
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,360
I slept like a top until some
stupid prannet started!
418
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,416
What's the rush, son.
419
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,096
You should watch where you're going.
420
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,736
You should watch
where you're standing.
421
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,576
What's your name?
422
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,576
What's it to you?
423
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,840
There's no problem here,
Mr Lassiter.
424
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,640
The name's Rudge. Rudge.
425
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,776
My name's Harry Grout.
426
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,176
Don't think we've had the pleasure.
427
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:44,256
These are my friends,
Samson, and Delilah.
428
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,536
Samson got his nickname
because of the muscles.
429
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:52,440
And she got hers because of her
striking resemblance to Hedy Lamarr.
430
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,176
Grouty, listen to this!
431
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,536
Listen to what?
432
00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,656
You know Robbie Patton
who works in the laundry?
433
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:03,016
Well, his wife wanted a divorce,
so she goes to the solicitor.
434
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,256
He says,
"Well, you've got to have grounds."
435
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,256
She says, "What's 'grounds'?"
So he tells her.
436
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,176
He says, "first of all,
there's insanity."
437
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:11,016
I mean, Robbie's a bit
of a dipstick,
438
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,696
but he's not certifiable, is he?
439
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,616
"Secondly, there's desertion."
440
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,896
Well, he's in here.
He can't go nowhere, can he?
441
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,576
"Third, there's cruelty."
As you know, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
442
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,736
So that leaves adultery.
443
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,136
"What's adultery?" she says.
So he tells her.
444
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,056
She says, "Ah, I think
we've got him there!"
445
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,736
"He is not the father of my child!"
446
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,216
Good, innit?
447
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,736
I thought you'd like that!
448
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,936
Can I have laddo?
We mustn't be late for work.
449
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,400
All right, yeah? Come on, lad.
450
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,760
"Not the father of my child!"
451
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:45,056
Very funny!
452
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:47,000
I don't get it... Never mind.
453
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:56,496
Who was that fellow on the landing?
454
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,816
Harry Grout. He runs this nick.
455
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:00,896
I thought that was
the Governor's job?
456
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,240
No, only officially, sonny.
457
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:05,776
Next time you meet him,
bow, curtsey,
458
00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,280
or lick his boots
if that's what he wants. All right?
459
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,280
Thanks.
460
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:18,096
How are you?
Are you ready to do the sloosh?
461
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:20,296
The Listermint Sloosh!
462
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:25,096
Are you slooshing? Do you like it?
463
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,616
Grout?
464
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,720
Yes?
465
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,696
Er...
466
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,816
Shouldn't you be
at your place of work by now?
467
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:37,696
Well, normally I would be,
Mr Barrowclough,
468
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:40,016
but I'm gonna see the MO.
469
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,560
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nothing serious, I hope?
470
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,056
Never been better.
471
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:01,856
Oh, er...
472
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,960
Do you want to go next, Mr Grout?
473
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,880
I mean, I'm in no rush.
474
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,896
I'm afraid
you'll all have to clear off.
475
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,960
I need this room for a meeting.
476
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,456
On your way, lads.
477
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,256
I don't know what this is about,
but I require urgent treatment!
478
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,896
My boil needs lancing.
479
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,920
If you don't hop it,
I'll have one of my lads do it.
480
00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:35,216
We haven't met.
481
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,976
I'm Harry Grout.
482
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,376
Everybody knows that.
483
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,440
Bill Oakes.
484
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:45,296
I know your form, Oaksey.
485
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:47,080
You're no second-rater.
486
00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,016
You was moved 'ere from Wakefield,
487
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,256
where you obviously kept
your nose clean.
488
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:58,096
Half way through a 12-stretch
for armed robbery, innit?
489
00:25:58,120 --> 00:25:59,856
That's right.
490
00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:02,360
A big tickle,
that last job of yours.
491
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,456
I hope the money's
safely tucked away.
492
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:08,816
Someone's been investing it for me.
493
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,896
Safe as prefabs, then!
494
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:12,736
That's why I want out.
495
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:17,016
I wish to unfreeze my assets
and take off to the sun.
496
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,856
I can see how you would!
497
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,336
Obviously, there'll be
the appropriate recompense
498
00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:23,536
to your good self.
499
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,096
Yeah...
500
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,536
I like the word recompense.
501
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,536
I was thinking in the region...
502
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,056
No, let me tell you MY thinking.
503
00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:33,896
Five thousand.
504
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,840
Three before, two after.
505
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:40,656
It's only fair the lion's share's
should come upfront.
506
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,096
Once people take off to the sun,
507
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,800
they're often get careless
about tidying up their affairs.
508
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:49,696
Where do you want it put?
509
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,576
Hastings and Thanet Building Society,
Bexhill Branch.
510
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,256
How long will you need?
511
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,456
You'll have to give me
up to three months.
512
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,056
Supposing you don't spring me?
513
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:02,376
Then you get your money back,
Oaksey.
514
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,136
Mind you, I keep the interest.
515
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:09,040
Nine and a quarter per cent
at the moment, tax paid.
516
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,096
Next.
517
00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,136
Oh... Where have they all gone?
518
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,160
They all got better, Doc.
519
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:25,976
You look a bit down in the mouth,
Mr Barrowclough.
520
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,056
Anything the matter?
521
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,576
Nothing new.
522
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,896
Same old story.
Domestic crisis, you know.
523
00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:33,136
Oh, dear.
524
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,296
Mrs Barrowclough left you, has she?
525
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,120
Unhappily...
526
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:40,120
..no, Fletcher.
527
00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,120
Wait.
528
00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,976
Morning.
529
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,696
She wheels her wheelbarrow
530
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,576
Through streets broad and narrow
531
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:01,976
Crying cockles... Oh!
532
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,976
He loves all that, you know!
533
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:08,416
And mussels, alive, alive-o...
534
00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:10,576
I thought I told you to wait
in the car!
535
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,056
She wheels her wheelbarrow
536
00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,440
Through Wealdstone and Harrow...
537
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,576
Watch out for him. He's the mad
butcher of Slade Prison.
538
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:29,816
What did he do?
539
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,840
Fiddled the VAT on his sausages!
540
00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:49,376
Where are you going with that?
541
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,096
Pig swill. What?
542
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:53,176
Swill, for the pigs, sir.
543
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,496
Pig swill.
544
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,600
It's Fletcher, isn't it?
545
00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,496
Yes, sir!
546
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:01,696
Settling in all right, are you?
547
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:04,256
Never mind if I am or if I'm not.
548
00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:07,376
I wouldn't leave that bicycle there
if I was you, sir.
549
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:11,416
When I want your advice,
I'll ask for it.
550
00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:12,896
Suit yourself, sir.
551
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,320
But there are one or two thieves
in here...
552
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:20,256
Whose side are you on, anyway,
ours or theirs?
553
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:21,880
Neither. Mine.
554
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:43,816
It lacks something, Lotterby.
555
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,896
With this soup, Elizabeth David
recommends coriander bay leaves
556
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:49,360
and a dash of pepper.
557
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,080
I said a DASH, Lotterby!
558
00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:29,056
Aaagh! I've cut
the top of my finger off! Ow!
559
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:31,456
Show me! Stop making all this fuss.
Show me what it is.
560
00:30:31,480 --> 00:30:34,456
No! It's really bad!
561
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:36,336
What's going on?!
562
00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:37,816
Oh, shame...
563
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:40,920
This man has had an accident,
Mr Mackay.
564
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:43,616
Let's see, Cooper.
565
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,896
What happened?
Carry on, the rest of you!
566
00:30:45,920 --> 00:30:48,616
Well, I thought I'd cut the top
of my finger off, but...
567
00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:51,400
It seems to be still there. Sir.
568
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,336
Is that your bicycle, Mr Beal?
569
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:06,816
Yes, sir. I took the precaution
of bringing it indoors, sir.
570
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,296
Into this thieves' kitchen?!
571
00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:11,416
Ask yourself the question, Mr Beal,
was that wise?
572
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:12,696
Er...
573
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:14,456
What would they want with it, sir?
574
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,096
The Lord alone knows.
575
00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:18,760
"Rob now, think later".
That's their motto!
576
00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:24,896
What's on the menu today, Godber?
577
00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:26,920
Creme Dubarry, sir,
followed by curry.
578
00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:30,576
Curried what? Er... meat, sir.
579
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:33,376
What meat?
I don't know. It doesn't say.
580
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,960
It just says "Tinned Meat", sir.
On the tin, like.
581
00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:39,016
Ladle.
582
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,576
Of course, he sees himself as
an authority on curry, he does,
583
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,016
on account of where he was stationed
in the army.
584
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:45,840
India? No, Bradford.
585
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:50,776
Very fair, Godber, very fair.
586
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,256
Perhaps...
587
00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:54,776
Perhaps just a dash more
curry powder?
588
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:56,840
Oh, right, sir. Erm...
Lotterby, curry powder.
589
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,176
Try a hankie, sir. Blow!
590
00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:18,056
Try a hankie, sir.
591
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:21,416
Blow, sir.
592
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,856
I can't breathe! Get the doctor!
593
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:25,936
The MO, sir? Get the doctor!
594
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:27,160
Get away, man.
595
00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:50,096
Hello, Len.
596
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:54,416
That's what you got, is it?
597
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:56,096
Yeah. It's hardly ever been used.
598
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:57,416
What are you gonna use it for?
599
00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,376
I dunno.
600
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,296
Well, why'd you nick it?
601
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,200
Well, he'd got one and I hadn't!
602
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:06,216
I can't understand
603
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,896
why Mackay hasn't come down on us
like a ton of bricks?
604
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,016
I'll tell you why.
605
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,896
He lost something today
in the kitchen, that's why.
606
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,016
What, pride, you mean?
Something else.
607
00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,736
Shift your backside. Why?
It's hidden in your mattress.
608
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,816
Oh, I see. So if we get a search,
I'm the one who gets the blame.
609
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,256
Oh, yes, you would do, yes.
610
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,336
You think of everything, you do.
I try.
611
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,600
Have a look outside.
See if one of them's about.
612
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:37,120
OK. Shut your eyes.
613
00:33:38,200 --> 00:33:39,816
All right. Open up.
614
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:41,216
Er! Teeth!
615
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,816
Yeah, Jaws Three! Look...
616
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,416
Get off! How'd you come by 'em?
617
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,456
Mackay sneezed 'em into the curry.
618
00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:51,176
I'm not sleeping on THEM.
619
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:53,296
They won't bite you!
There's only half a set there.
620
00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,216
No, no, I mean, they're red hot.
621
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:57,136
He'll turn the nick over
looking for them!
622
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:58,576
He'll negotiate first, won't he?
623
00:33:58,600 --> 00:33:59,936
Bit risky.
624
00:33:59,960 --> 00:34:02,856
Well, you know what they say,
"Nothing dentured, nothing gained!"
625
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:05,376
Now, 'ere', listen, Fletcher!
626
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:08,240
Ives, will you knock
before you come in here?!
627
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,296
Who is it? Ives!
628
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,016
Clear off!
629
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,880
Now, listen 'ere', Fletcher!
Grouty wants to see you.
630
00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,976
Now, before we get
to your last record,
631
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:29,816
how well do you think you could look
after yourself on this island?
632
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,336
Are you pretty good with your hands?
633
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:33,976
Yes, I think I'm a fairly
practical sort of person.
634
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,000
I do my share round the house.
635
00:34:40,320 --> 00:34:42,656
How's the diet going, all right?
636
00:34:42,680 --> 00:34:45,536
This is the recording you've chosen.
637
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:50,336
Desert Island Discs. Oh, yeah?
638
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:54,016
Always been an ambition of mine,
to be on that programme. Yeah...
639
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:55,616
Nice threads, Grouty.
640
00:34:55,640 --> 00:34:58,736
Yeah, feel that. 100% cashmere.
641
00:34:58,760 --> 00:34:59,936
Lovely, innit?
642
00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:02,616
He's doing me one in barathea
for when the weather gets warmer.
643
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:05,176
If it ever does! Yeah.
644
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,880
On your way, Tenk.
645
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,096
Now, then.
646
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:21,456
Er, if it's about the...
If it's about the teeth...
647
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:22,776
What?
648
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,616
I realise, of course, that
you are entitled to first refusal.
649
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:29,376
Are you referring
to Mackay's missing molars?
650
00:35:29,400 --> 00:35:32,376
I presume that's why I was sent for.
I mean, nothing escapes you.
651
00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:33,976
Oh, no, Fletch.
652
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,816
If you've got 'em,
that's your tickle.
653
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:38,016
Oh, good.
654
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,776
Oh, no.
655
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,496
I wanted to talk to you about
something else.
656
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:43,776
Oh, dear.
657
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,600
I had this notion...
A football match.
658
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:53,696
Showbiz celebrities come up 'ere,
give the lads a boost.
659
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:55,016
Good for morale.
660
00:35:55,040 --> 00:35:57,456
Oh, yeah, yeah. Lovely, Grouty.
661
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,256
I know a bloke in the Smoke
who could organise it.
662
00:36:00,280 --> 00:36:03,576
First thing's to get
the Guv'nor's blessing.
663
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,760
I'm sure the Guv'nor would do
anything for you, Grouty. Yeah.
664
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,896
You suggest it, Fletch.
665
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,176
Why me?
666
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:19,816
Because you're a man to be trusted,
and I know you'd do it subtle.
667
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,496
Oh, yeah!
668
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:24,656
And of course, if anything went
wrong, it would all come back on me!
669
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,656
That's right!
670
00:36:26,680 --> 00:36:29,216
Don't know why I didn't think
of that myself!
671
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,856
I'll do what you say, Mr Mackay,
672
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:40,776
but I'm not happy that we should
kowtow to these people.
673
00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:45,136
If we do this kind of thing, isn't
there a danger of a loss of face?
674
00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,400
That's nothing compared
to my loss of teeth!
675
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,176
And the outlook
for the weekend is little change.
676
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:55,016
Well, that's the weather, folks.
677
00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,256
If you're thinking of going out
today, my advice is "Don't!"
678
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:01,776
What's that?
679
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,776
A Spitfire. Saved our skins
in the war, they did.
680
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,360
Them and the Hurricanes.
681
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,816
That's what I'd like to have been,
a fighter pilot.
682
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:15,216
Up over the white cliffs of Dover,
a quick dogfight with the Luftwaffe,
683
00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:18,000
then back to the mess for bacon
and eggs and a sing-song.
684
00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:26,776
Er... Could I have a word, Fletcher?
685
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:29,736
I'm busy, Mr Barrowclough,
do you mind?
686
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,336
All these and more.
687
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,376
See the National Express coach
advertisement
688
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:34,576
in your local evening paper.
689
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,216
Well, if you insist, sir.
690
00:37:36,240 --> 00:37:38,296
Have to call it a draw, Hedley.
691
00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:41,096
In private, if you don't mind.
Oh?
692
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,936
Delicate matter. Oh!
693
00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,760
Step in the office.
694
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,576
I'm here at the request of Mr Ma...
695
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,696
Er, one of my senior colleagues.
696
00:37:56,720 --> 00:37:59,176
Well, I-I think you know that...
697
00:37:59,200 --> 00:38:02,416
I know that you know... what I know.
698
00:38:02,440 --> 00:38:03,976
Do I?
699
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:08,416
The grapevine says you can
put your hand on what he hasn't got.
700
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:09,936
Well, if he hasn't got it,
701
00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,496
I don't see how I could put my hand
on it, sir.
702
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:15,496
And if he has, I'm not sure I
want to! You know what I mean?
703
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:18,136
Don't be obtuse, Fletcher!
704
00:38:18,160 --> 00:38:20,096
We both know what we're on about!
705
00:38:20,120 --> 00:38:23,696
And I want you to know,
I heartily disapprove of this.
706
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,656
Oh, so do I, sir. So do I!
707
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:27,856
But we are just the go-betweens, eh?
708
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,616
We are merely here
to maintain the status quo.
709
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:33,016
And if we don't come
to some little arrangement,
710
00:38:33,040 --> 00:38:34,576
they go in the auction Sunday.
711
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,496
Ah... Arrangement, yes.
712
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:39,296
My function is to ensure
713
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:43,856
that the item in question
is restored to its rightful place.
714
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,776
To wit, his mouth.
715
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:48,536
I think we see eye to eye.
Oh, yeah.
716
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,256
Well, you know what they say, sir?
717
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,336
"An eye for an eye
and a tooth for a mouth!"
718
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,736
Clear off!
719
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:58,856
I have been authorised
to go up to a fiver.
720
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:01,336
Then the quicker you go up to it,
the better, sir.
721
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:02,736
Hang it all, Fletcher.
722
00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:06,656
I mean, I would like to make some
token gesture towards bargaining!
723
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,136
Oh, I'm sorry, sir, sorry.
Go on, bargain away, sir.
724
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:11,456
3:50. A fiver.
725
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,496
Done.
726
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:15,440
You certainly have been.
727
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,720
No! It was a 50-50 ball
and he bottled out!
728
00:39:26,920 --> 00:39:28,456
I'll have you for that.
729
00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:37,576
Afternoon, Mr Beal.
730
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:39,296
Afternoon, Fletcher.
731
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,376
Football fan, are you?
732
00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:44,656
Yeah, I love the game, sir.
So good for the lads, 'an all.
733
00:39:44,680 --> 00:39:46,616
Teaches 'em things in life,
don't it?
734
00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:49,616
You know, give and take,
fair play, "may the best man win."
735
00:39:49,640 --> 00:39:51,000
Put the boot in, E Wing!
736
00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:56,056
I used to play a bit, in goal.
737
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:59,856
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can just see you
as custodian, sir.
738
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:02,800
Not much would get past you, eh,
Mr Beal?
739
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:07,216
Come on, somebody!
740
00:40:07,240 --> 00:40:09,456
I was fairly useful.
741
00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:13,616
Essex Methodist League,
runners up, '69.
742
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,376
Oh, my word, sir.
743
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:20,136
Of course, what the lads really need
is a bit more motivation. Hm?
744
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:22,096
It's a pity someone in authority
745
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,776
don't get one of them showbiz teams
to come up here.
746
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:26,456
Work wonders for morale, that would.
747
00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:28,856
Show business? Yeah.
748
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,016
Matter of fact,
I know a bloke in the Smoke
749
00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,560
who runs that sort of thing.
750
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:36,160
Really? Yeah.
751
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:39,720
Well, been nice talking to you,
Mr Beal.
752
00:40:40,880 --> 00:40:43,336
Yes, on your way, Fletcher.
753
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:44,816
Another lager and lime.
754
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,976
Oh, no, my round, sir.
755
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:48,696
Thirsty work, eh?
756
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:50,296
Top that one up, would you?
757
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,216
It keeps me in trim, though.
Yes, I can see that, sir.
758
00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:58,896
A lot of talent in the men,
but they... They lack motivation.
759
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,896
Well, they can hardly join a league,
Mr Beal.
760
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:03,896
They can't play "away" matches.
761
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:11,376
I know a chap in London
who organises charity matches.
762
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,896
Show business, that sort of thing.
763
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:16,536
He might be willing to bring a team
up here.
764
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:17,976
Show business?
765
00:41:18,000 --> 00:41:20,096
It'd work wonders for morale, sir.
766
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:23,640
Morale, eh? Morale.
767
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,336
Morale, Mr Mackay?
768
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,496
Could work wonders for it, sir.
769
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:32,080
A team from the outside,
a sprinkling of celebrities.
770
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,176
Put Slade on the map, sir.
771
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,056
Local press, that kind of thing.
772
00:41:38,080 --> 00:41:40,416
This idea hasn't come
from the prisoners, has it?
773
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,136
Oh, no, no, sir!
774
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,176
Off the top of my head. Just...
775
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:48,496
Yes.
Well, I'll give it some thought.
776
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:50,400
Very good, sir.
777
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,976
It's on. I heard.
778
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:00,496
Well done, Fletch.
Any time, Grouty.
779
00:42:00,520 --> 00:42:03,376
Now we need someone reliable
as trainer.
780
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,816
Oh, well, don't look at me.
781
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:08,056
I've grown disenchanted
with the game.
782
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:11,056
20 years of supporting Orient
does that for a man!
783
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:13,096
I insist.
784
00:42:13,120 --> 00:42:14,616
Oh.
785
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,680
In that case, it is my privilege.
786
00:42:26,720 --> 00:42:28,856
Come on, Oaksey. You're flagging!
787
00:42:28,880 --> 00:42:31,056
I heard Rod Stewart was coming?
788
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,976
Unlikely, he's a tax exile!
789
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:36,016
Who gives a monkey's,
we're getting double rations!
790
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,320
Come on, Oaksey! Shift yourself!
791
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,736
Well done, lads, well done.
792
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:51,376
Listen, don't forget,
early night tonight, all of you.
793
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:54,256
I don't want any of you creeping off
down the pub, all right?
794
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:57,000
Oh, hello, Mr Mackay.
I didn't see you there, sir.
795
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,736
You're a strange choice for trainer,
aren't you, Fletcher?
796
00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:04,016
Well, it's the lads what decreed it,
sir.
797
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:05,736
They took a vote, know what I mean?
798
00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:07,456
I heard, yes.
799
00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:10,896
Yet you're a man who's always
despised physical activity.
800
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:12,640
Oh, not in others, sir.
801
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:21,376
We got plenty of strength
at the back.
802
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:23,376
One thing we're not short
of is stoppers.
803
00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:26,856
What we need now
is a bit of creative midfield flair.
804
00:43:26,880 --> 00:43:29,096
From what I saw of him,
Rudge could provide that.
805
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,856
Revelation, he was.
806
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:32,856
Yeah, he reckons he had a trial
for Brentford,
807
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,576
before he had a trial
for shoplifting.
808
00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:36,136
I can believe it.
809
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,176
Have you... uh...
810
00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:40,496
Have you chosen the final team,
like?
811
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:41,880
Not yet, no.
812
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:51,096
Want a bit of Kit-Kat?
813
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:52,840
What? Oh, ta!
814
00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:58,176
You must have a rough idea, though.
815
00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:01,200
A nucleus, like.
Well, taking shape, taking shape.
816
00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:05,256
Have you got any socks need darning?
817
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,720
Yeah, matter of fact, I have.
Look at that.
818
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,336
I thought I played quite well today.
819
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:12,856
Did ya?
820
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,296
Well, I thought so.
821
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:15,936
Good in the air. I scored one.
822
00:44:15,960 --> 00:44:19,656
That was Urquhart's shot, wasn't it?
It just hit your ear as it went in.
823
00:44:19,680 --> 00:44:21,816
No, that was a cunning deflection.
824
00:44:21,840 --> 00:44:23,976
Oh, one of them, was it?
825
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,800
Oh, gawd!
826
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,776
So, er, how d'you rate my chances,
then, Fletch?
827
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,376
Chances? Of what?
828
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:34,376
Making the team!
829
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,240
Slim.
830
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,440
Darn your own naffin' socks!
831
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:54,976
Come on, Oaksey!
832
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:56,496
You're in here for armed robbery,
833
00:44:56,520 --> 00:44:58,176
try and steal the ball
once in a while!
834
00:44:58,200 --> 00:45:00,416
You're in the spirit of things,
Fletcher.
835
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:01,856
Afternoon, Mr Treadaway.
836
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:03,656
How do you rate our chances?
837
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:05,016
Difficult to tell, innit, sir.
838
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:07,176
We don't know what we're up against
yet, do we?
839
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,136
Have you heard any more
about who's coming?
840
00:45:09,160 --> 00:45:11,896
They seem rather vague at
the moment, don't they, Mr Mackay?
841
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,416
There is some talk
of David "Diddy" Hamilton, sir,
842
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,056
and possibly one of The Goodies.
843
00:45:17,080 --> 00:45:19,816
That'll be a novelty up here,
won't it? Amongst all these baddies.
844
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:21,896
Is that all, Mr Mackay?
845
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:23,776
No, sir, but these people
have commitments.
846
00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,336
It's hard to pin them down
until the last minute.
847
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:28,440
Your head's going down, Godber!
848
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:32,256
We've had a letter
from Michael Parkinson, sir?
849
00:45:32,280 --> 00:45:33,736
Oh, is he coming?!
850
00:45:33,760 --> 00:45:37,296
No, sir. He wrote to say that he
would have come, but he isn't.
851
00:45:37,320 --> 00:45:38,456
Oh...
852
00:45:38,480 --> 00:45:40,336
But we have the letter on file, sir.
853
00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:43,256
Didn't you mention
that comedian chap?
854
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:46,616
What's his name...?
Jimmy Tarbrush?
855
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,280
Buck, sir. Yes, Buck Tarbrush.
856
00:45:50,800 --> 00:45:53,376
Well, unhappily,
he's indisposed, sir.
857
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:55,080
Oh, dear.
858
00:45:58,040 --> 00:46:03,200
Buck Tarbrush... We shall be lucky
to get Basil Brush!
859
00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:08,000
Sir.
860
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,216
Look out. Mother Superior.
861
00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:16,256
This'll be the visitors'
changing room, sir.
862
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:18,176
Our lot will change next door.
863
00:46:18,200 --> 00:46:20,216
We're not painting that as well,
are we?!
864
00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:21,936
Certainly not, sir. Good.
865
00:46:21,960 --> 00:46:23,456
What about valuables, Mr Mackay?
866
00:46:23,480 --> 00:46:25,416
They leave them on the coach, sir.
Very wise.
867
00:46:25,440 --> 00:46:27,096
Who are these fellows?
868
00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:29,176
Whittaker, sir, and Whalley.
869
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:32,176
I picked them because they
have an artistic bent, sir.
870
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:34,696
Well, we're bent...
871
00:46:34,720 --> 00:46:36,440
I know. Carry on.
872
00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:45,280
Get that eye shadow off, Whittaker!
873
00:46:48,320 --> 00:46:51,336
After the game, sir, I thought we'd
have a little reception for them
874
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:53,256
in the prison officer's club here,
sir.
875
00:46:53,280 --> 00:46:56,536
Oh, I don't think so.
It's such an inhospitable place.
876
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:59,576
But, sir, you haven't been there
since we brightened it up. Huh?
877
00:46:59,600 --> 00:47:03,536
I acquired some horse brasses, and
the MO's wife donated a stag's head!
878
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:06,400
I still think they'd be much more
comfortable in the Plough and Sail.
879
00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:15,816
'Scuse me, I'd like to go through.
880
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:17,840
They're all engaged.
881
00:47:23,360 --> 00:47:26,480
I have certain rights!
I'm desperate for a pee!
882
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:31,096
This is blatant intimidation!
It's time you people realised...
883
00:47:31,120 --> 00:47:33,176
Hello, Fletch.
884
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:34,816
Hello, Grouty.
885
00:47:34,840 --> 00:47:38,536
I am going through that door
and no-one's going to stop me...
886
00:47:38,560 --> 00:47:40,376
Aaagh!
887
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:42,040
So?
888
00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:44,856
Let's hear the team, then!
889
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:46,896
Yeah...
890
00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,296
Er, Ronnie Simkin in goal.
891
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:50,936
Lesser of two evils, you know.
892
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:53,016
Tommy Armstrong, Steve Callaghan,
893
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:55,576
McLaren, Nifty Small, Mini Cooper...
894
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:56,976
Young Rudge, of course...
895
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:01,016
Wellings, and McMillan...
896
00:48:01,040 --> 00:48:04,016
Doug Hayward, Urquhart,
and Lenny Godber.
897
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:08,176
Subs, we've got Bunny Warren, Adams,
and Jacko, in case it gets ugly.
898
00:48:08,200 --> 00:48:11,856
Sounds a fairly well-balanced side.
Yeah, I think so.
899
00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:16,776
We've gone for a blend of youth,
experience, flair, and brutality.
900
00:48:16,800 --> 00:48:18,656
Only thing was...
901
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:22,040
I didn't hear Oaksey's name
in there.
902
00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:25,936
No, I think Oaksey
would be the first to admit
903
00:48:25,960 --> 00:48:27,216
that he is not a footballer.
904
00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:28,800
Yes, I am.
905
00:48:30,240 --> 00:48:32,096
Well, footballer, yes, maybe.
906
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:35,056
But I mean, you're not as fit as
some of the younger lads, are you?
907
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,680
Yes, I am.
908
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,416
Er...
909
00:48:40,440 --> 00:48:42,456
Well, put it another way,
910
00:48:42,480 --> 00:48:43,576
I was basing it on the fact
911
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:45,656
that he cannot tackle, pass, trap,
or dribble!
912
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:47,976
He throws in well, mind.
913
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:49,376
He's playing.
914
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:50,456
No, he's not.
915
00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:52,120
Yes, I am!
916
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:55,896
Is he?
917
00:48:55,920 --> 00:48:58,000
Oh, yes.
918
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,216
Oh, I got your name down here
all the time, Oaksey, look!
919
00:49:03,240 --> 00:49:05,640
It's just that I've spelt it
McMillan...
920
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:12,920
Come on, Fletcher! You're late.
All right.
921
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:18,536
I just want you to know
I've had it with you! You what?
922
00:49:18,560 --> 00:49:22,416
You've really got up my goat
these last two weeks! Wrong!
923
00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:25,256
I GET your goat,
I don't GET UP your goat!
924
00:49:25,280 --> 00:49:28,216
I get UP your nose, or ON your wick!
925
00:49:28,240 --> 00:49:31,760
Well, just lately,
you've done all three!
926
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:34,736
You never miss an edge, you.
927
00:49:34,760 --> 00:49:37,896
Running around like a tinpot
Napoleon, drunk with power.
928
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,576
I've degraded myself for you,
I have. Given you Kit-Kat,
929
00:49:40,600 --> 00:49:42,976
darning your socks,
just to make your naffing team.
930
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,696
We've been cellies a long time.
Doesn't that count for something?
931
00:49:45,720 --> 00:49:48,496
If you made the team automatic,
tongues would wag. "Favouritism!"
932
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:51,656
That's why you've got to prove
yourself more than the next man.
933
00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:54,496
I did! I didn't mind doing more
laps than anyone else,
934
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:56,976
more press-ups, knocking my pan out.
935
00:49:57,000 --> 00:49:59,976
But I will not stay behind
and lace up everyone else's boots!
936
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:01,296
You're in the team.
937
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,696
Everyone's wetting their knickers
around this prison,
938
00:50:03,720 --> 00:50:06,216
just cos we've got some so-called
celebrities coming up here.
939
00:50:06,240 --> 00:50:07,696
Don't you want to play, then?
What?
940
00:50:07,720 --> 00:50:09,416
You're in the team!
941
00:50:09,440 --> 00:50:11,896
Straight up? Centre back.
942
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:13,656
Oh, ta, Fletch!
943
00:50:13,680 --> 00:50:15,136
You're changeable, ain't ya?
944
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:16,560
Who else is in?
945
00:50:17,720 --> 00:50:19,976
"Armstrong, Simkin, Rudge..."
Oakes?!
946
00:50:20,000 --> 00:50:21,176
Look, you're in the team,
947
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,936
so don't quibble about who else
is in the team, all right?
948
00:50:23,960 --> 00:50:25,696
Everything you say, Coach!
949
00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:27,576
Eh, who's captain? Why?
950
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,656
I wondered whether
I was a contender.
951
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:32,536
A captain has to possess
certain attributes
952
00:50:32,560 --> 00:50:34,496
which set him aside
from the rest of his team.
953
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:36,496
That is why I've chosen
Light-fingered Larry...
954
00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:39,296
Urquhart?
What attributes has he got?!
955
00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:40,376
Half an ounce of snout,
956
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:42,240
which he's now given to me!
All right?!
957
00:50:44,760 --> 00:50:48,656
I must say, that's very
disappointing, Mr Bainbridge.
958
00:50:48,680 --> 00:50:51,056
Yes.
959
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:53,760
The thing is, that, er...
960
00:51:04,240 --> 00:51:06,136
Not many of the chaps in tonight.
961
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:08,000
There never are.
962
00:51:09,280 --> 00:51:11,376
It's a desperate place, is this!
963
00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:15,320
The only reason I come here -
it's either this or going home.
964
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:19,936
I'm single, myself.
965
00:51:19,960 --> 00:51:23,296
I was married. Divorced now.
966
00:51:23,320 --> 00:51:24,680
Oh, really?
967
00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:29,176
Well, look at it this way, it
is better to have loved and lost...
968
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:31,736
than to spend your whole ruddy life
with her!
969
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:33,136
Ach!
970
00:51:33,160 --> 00:51:35,416
Same again, Chalky.
971
00:51:35,440 --> 00:51:38,376
That was Mr Bainbridge,
their team captain.
972
00:51:38,400 --> 00:51:39,856
Bad news, I'm afraid.
973
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:42,176
We've lost David "Diddy" Hamilton.
974
00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:44,016
Oh, dear.
975
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:46,416
We still have the Goodie, have we?
976
00:51:46,440 --> 00:51:48,600
Well, he didn't say we hadn't.
977
00:51:52,840 --> 00:51:55,296
It's been a good thing
for the prison, by and large.
978
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:57,336
They've talked about little else.
979
00:51:57,360 --> 00:52:00,656
And there's been a noticeable
dropping off of violence of late.
980
00:52:00,680 --> 00:52:03,656
Apart from Banyard's nose...
981
00:52:03,680 --> 00:52:07,456
Yes, I think you have to be
commended for this idea.
982
00:52:07,480 --> 00:52:09,320
Thank you, Henry!
Thank you, Henry!
983
00:52:14,840 --> 00:52:17,080
Ah!
984
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,736
Welcome to Slade, gentlemen.
985
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:30,320
Our pitch is round the back.
Shall we drive on?
986
00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:29,200
Here's the netball team,
where's the flaming football team?
987
00:53:36,120 --> 00:53:38,136
Which one's the Goodie?
988
00:53:38,160 --> 00:53:40,360
I don't recognise any of them!
989
00:53:42,840 --> 00:53:44,256
Fletcher.
990
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:46,296
This is, er...
991
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:47,640
Come along.
992
00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:53,256
This is Mr Bainbridge,
who's organised the Showbiz XI.
993
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:55,656
How do you do?
Hello. Actually, we're only ten.
994
00:53:55,680 --> 00:53:57,736
We were supposed to pick up
Tony McCauley
995
00:53:57,760 --> 00:53:59,216
at the Mill Hill roundabout.
996
00:53:59,240 --> 00:54:02,016
He's a songwriter.
Have you heard of him? No.
997
00:54:02,040 --> 00:54:04,776
Oh. Well, he didn't turn up,
I'm afraid,
998
00:54:04,800 --> 00:54:06,976
which is why we're a bit late.
999
00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:08,616
Well, we'd better get on.
1000
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:11,576
We have no floodlights,
not in the right places, anyway.
1001
00:54:11,600 --> 00:54:14,056
Mr Barrowclough,
would you see them through?
1002
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:16,056
Could we borrow one of your chaps?
1003
00:54:16,080 --> 00:54:17,976
One of your subs, Fletcher?
1004
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:20,176
Well, if you like, sir,
but what about Mr Beal, sir?
1005
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:23,376
He's been saying he plays a bit.
He's as keen as mustard, he is.
1006
00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:25,976
Ye-e-s... I'll have a word with him.
Thanks.
1007
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:27,480
Thanks a lot.
1008
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:33,896
Forgive me asking, Mr Mackay,
but who the hell are they?
1009
00:54:33,920 --> 00:54:35,776
Me and the lads were given
to understand
1010
00:54:35,800 --> 00:54:37,696
there'd be a sprinkling
of celebrities!
1011
00:54:37,720 --> 00:54:39,696
Chap with the red hair?
1012
00:54:39,720 --> 00:54:42,736
Does the weather
on Anglia Television.
1013
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:45,496
And there are a pair
of scriptwriters...
1014
00:54:45,520 --> 00:54:47,376
for somebody quite famous!
1015
00:54:47,400 --> 00:54:49,016
And Mr Bainbridge himself
1016
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:52,456
has just finished pantomime season
at the Alhambra...
1017
00:54:52,480 --> 00:54:53,896
Swansea!
1018
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:57,640
Oh, I'll tell the lads.
They'll be right chuffed
1019
00:55:00,920 --> 00:55:02,816
Who are they, Fletch?
1020
00:55:02,840 --> 00:55:05,976
A weatherman, eight small parts,
and a Widow Twanky!
1021
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:07,576
Now, go and get changed, will you?
1022
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:21,176
Excuse me. Is there a garage nearby?
1023
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:22,976
I've got to top the bus up, you see.
1024
00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,336
The lads won't want to stop
on the way back.
1025
00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:28,496
Half a mile down the road,
in the village, Esso station.
1026
00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:30,656
Just... Ah, good.
1027
00:55:30,680 --> 00:55:32,856
I'll nip down later.
1028
00:55:32,880 --> 00:55:35,896
Right! Well, I'd better get changed.
1029
00:55:35,920 --> 00:55:38,696
The match will commence
in five minutes.
1030
00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:42,216
Autograph hunting is not permitted.
1031
00:55:46,240 --> 00:55:48,536
You all right, Oaksey?
Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.
1032
00:55:48,560 --> 00:55:52,296
Right, lads, settle down,
pay attention!
1033
00:55:52,320 --> 00:55:54,096
I know you're all very disappointed,
1034
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:55,976
cos they all turned out
to be nobodies.
1035
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:57,416
Aye.
1036
00:55:57,440 --> 00:56:00,496
But the fact remains, they did come
all this way to give us a game.
1037
00:56:00,520 --> 00:56:03,576
So, let us give them a game.
Let's show them, shall we?
1038
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:05,976
But no rough stuff, all right?
We don't need that, do we?
1039
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:07,136
What about Mr Beal?
1040
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:09,416
Oh, he's all right. You can kick
him to kingdom come!
1041
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:11,440
But be subtle, right.
1042
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:16,776
Oh, never mind. Go on, off you go.
All of you.
1043
00:56:16,800 --> 00:56:18,840
Don't forget what I've taught you!
1044
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:21,896
And don't forget,
whatever happens,
1045
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,040
don't let them panic you
into playing football.
1046
00:56:35,880 --> 00:56:38,600
I don't recognise any of them!
1047
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:24,936
What am I doing benched with
that pillock Oakes on the park?
1048
00:57:24,960 --> 00:57:29,240
You'll get on, son, don't fret.
'Ere, have a snort of liniment.
1049
00:57:36,680 --> 00:57:38,776
Now, gentlemen,
let's have a good clean contest.
1050
00:57:38,800 --> 00:57:40,416
It's not a boxing match, Mr Mackay.
1051
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:41,976
That's what I'm anxious to prevent.
1052
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:43,720
Call! Heads.
1053
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:46,656
Right then. We'll stay as we are.
1054
00:57:46,680 --> 00:57:48,120
Urquhart?
1055
00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:08,456
Afternoon, Mr Treadaway.
Oh, good afternoon, Fletcher.
1056
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:10,696
How's it going?
Difficult to tell, sir,
1057
00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:12,616
seeing as we're only ten seconds
into the game.
1058
00:58:12,640 --> 00:58:14,760
Good dog. All right, dog. Good dog.
1059
00:58:18,560 --> 00:58:20,176
Which of them's the Goodie?
1060
00:58:20,200 --> 00:58:23,096
Oh, I don't think he's come, sir.
But we have got a weatherman.
1061
00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:25,440
He's out on the wing.
He says it's gonna rain.
1062
00:58:29,240 --> 00:58:31,080
Oh, well played, Slade!
1063
00:58:32,640 --> 00:58:34,696
Er... who is that?
That's Armstrong, sir.
1064
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:35,896
Class player, he is.
1065
00:58:35,920 --> 00:58:37,456
Yes, he's going out next month.
1066
00:58:37,480 --> 00:58:39,496
Pity, that,
if we have another fixture.
1067
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:41,736
Yeah, it is a shame.
He'll be right choked.
1068
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,176
More games are on the agenda, eh,
Mr Treadaway?
1069
00:58:44,200 --> 00:58:46,776
I don't see why not.
If this one goes without a hitch.
1070
00:58:46,800 --> 00:58:48,256
Good for morale.
1071
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:50,696
What's that noise?
1072
00:58:50,720 --> 00:58:54,096
Just your dog peeing against
my bucket. Don't worry about it.
1073
00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:56,600
Bad dog! COME ON, Oaksey!
Get a move on!
1074
00:59:03,720 --> 00:59:05,816
Are you blind? That came off of him!
1075
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:07,536
Oh, sorry, did it?
I never touched it!
1076
00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:08,776
Yes, you did! I didn't!
1077
00:59:08,800 --> 00:59:11,096
I think it's a message coming
through in semaphore!
1078
00:59:11,120 --> 00:59:12,736
I happen to be extremely honest!
1079
00:59:12,760 --> 00:59:15,176
Are you saying I'm not?
That's why you're here, isn't it?
1080
00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:17,440
Yeah, that's it, look.
"Sink the Bismarck'"
1081
00:59:33,680 --> 00:59:35,176
Yes, Ives?
1082
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:36,376
Oh... er...
1083
00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:38,696
Just thought you'd like to know,
Mr Grout,
1084
00:59:38,720 --> 00:59:40,576
it's Slade Prison 1 - Showbiz XI 0.
1085
00:59:40,600 --> 00:59:42,056
Really...?
1086
00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:43,856
Yes, a set piece.
Free kick on the right.
1087
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:46,896
Callaghan takes it, Rudge volleys,
hits Godber on the cheek, bang!
1088
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:49,360
Straight into the corner of the net!
No chance!
1089
00:59:52,560 --> 00:59:55,856
Well, you did ask me to keep you
informed, Mr Grout.
1090
00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:58,160
Better get off out there, then.
1091
01:00:14,880 --> 01:00:16,496
Have you been bribed, Simkin?
1092
01:00:16,520 --> 01:00:18,656
No, I haven't!
1093
01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:20,776
Show an example, Fletcher!
1094
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,976
I saw that! What?
1095
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:40,976
I'm going to book you for that.
1096
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:43,200
What's your name, Cooper?
1097
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:45,680
Cooper!
1098
01:00:48,360 --> 01:00:49,856
Here ya are.
1099
01:00:49,880 --> 01:00:51,680
Ooh, Jesus!
1100
01:00:54,960 --> 01:00:56,456
Cooper?
1101
01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:58,816
Oh, God...
1102
01:00:58,840 --> 01:01:01,096
Where does it hurt?
My ribs. Just there. Agh!
1103
01:01:01,120 --> 01:01:03,056
Hurts him just there, Mr Mackay.
1104
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:05,000
Right. Here y'are.
1105
01:01:11,680 --> 01:01:13,736
Is there somewhere
I can take a leak?
1106
01:01:13,760 --> 01:01:15,496
Try the changing room.
1107
01:01:15,520 --> 01:01:16,800
Oh, ta.
1108
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:28,016
You all right? I don't know yet!
1109
01:01:28,040 --> 01:01:30,056
Oh, gawd, I've only just sat down!
1110
01:01:30,080 --> 01:01:31,616
Come on.
1111
01:01:31,640 --> 01:01:34,120
I hope it's nothing trivial,
I might get a game!
1112
01:01:35,440 --> 01:01:36,736
Ooh, no!
1113
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:38,096
What's the matter, Oaksey?
1114
01:01:38,120 --> 01:01:40,536
Cartilage, I think. Old trouble.
I've had it before.
1115
01:01:40,560 --> 01:01:42,696
You'll have to get him off.
I'll help you, Fletch.
1116
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:44,576
Come on.
1117
01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:47,920
Go on, then, Mac, set 'em alight!
1118
01:01:53,720 --> 01:01:55,296
I never touched him, you know.
1119
01:01:55,320 --> 01:01:57,400
I know, mate. Don't worry about it.
1120
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:04,136
Careful.
1121
01:02:04,160 --> 01:02:06,200
Here, take a load off.
1122
01:02:07,840 --> 01:02:10,176
I'd best fetch the MO. No!
1123
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:11,736
You're in pain, ain't ya?
1124
01:02:11,760 --> 01:02:14,656
I'll be all right. He knows naff all
about orthopaedics.
1125
01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:16,336
I'll just have the early bath.
1126
01:02:16,360 --> 01:02:18,616
Come on, Fletch.
The lads need your strategy.
1127
01:02:18,640 --> 01:02:20,920
All right, son. All right.
1128
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,296
Our ball! Corner kick!
1129
01:03:04,320 --> 01:03:05,776
Come on!
1130
01:03:05,800 --> 01:03:07,200
Where are they?
1131
01:03:11,040 --> 01:03:13,456
How many fingers am I holding up,
Godber?
1132
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:16,256
You can't fool me, sir! Er... five!
1133
01:03:16,280 --> 01:03:18,896
The lad's concussed.
Get him off, Fletcher.
1134
01:03:18,920 --> 01:03:21,856
Someone go down to the Plough
and Sail and get the MO.
1135
01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:22,976
I'll go!
1136
01:03:23,000 --> 01:03:24,416
Don't be daft. Come on!
1137
01:03:24,440 --> 01:03:26,696
Right, let's get on. Corner!
1138
01:03:26,720 --> 01:03:28,296
It's a goal kick!
1139
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:31,056
Any more of that, Urquhart,
and I'll have you for dissension.
1140
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,216
Not too tight?
No, it's all right.
1141
01:03:35,240 --> 01:03:37,416
'Ere, don't forget the specs!
1142
01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:38,600
Oh, yeah.
1143
01:03:44,160 --> 01:03:46,656
What are you hanging about here
for, Jacko. Get on the pitch.
1144
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:48,296
What? You're substituted.
1145
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:49,456
Let Warren go on!
1146
01:03:49,480 --> 01:03:51,456
I want your strength up front.
Go on. Corner!
1147
01:03:51,480 --> 01:03:53,440
All right, Len, get in here.
1148
01:03:57,280 --> 01:04:00,816
Sit down. I'll get water to bathe
your face.
1149
01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:03,416
No, you won't, Fletcher.
1150
01:04:03,440 --> 01:04:05,256
Oh, my gawd!
1151
01:04:05,280 --> 01:04:07,696
Look, we've seen nothing, have we,
Len? Seen what?
1152
01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:10,336
It's your caper, son. I don't want
nothing to do with this.
1153
01:04:10,360 --> 01:04:12,816
They saw you come in, didn't they?
Are you just gonna sit there
1154
01:04:12,840 --> 01:04:16,456
until half time and pretend you
didn't notice? Notice what?
1155
01:04:16,480 --> 01:04:18,096
You'll have to take them with you!
1156
01:04:18,120 --> 01:04:21,056
You've got no choice, have you?
Otherwise I'll be in it an' all.
1157
01:04:21,080 --> 01:04:23,136
Oaksey, I'm not going anywhere!
1158
01:04:23,160 --> 01:04:26,000
You'll do as you're told, son.
1159
01:04:27,440 --> 01:04:29,336
Oh, bleedin' hell!
1160
01:04:29,360 --> 01:04:31,976
In. In! Come on, Len.
1161
01:04:32,000 --> 01:04:34,536
It's our ball, Mr Mackay.
It come off their man. Corner!
1162
01:04:34,560 --> 01:04:37,096
See, he knows nothing.
He's got amnesia!
1163
01:04:37,120 --> 01:04:39,160
Come on! Get on with it.
1164
01:05:02,040 --> 01:05:03,640
Right, shift.
1165
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:07,720
Yeah, all right. All right.
1166
01:05:18,240 --> 01:05:20,896
Right, in!
You're joking, Oaksey!
1167
01:05:20,920 --> 01:05:22,976
I'm warning you, Fletcher. Get in.
Get in!
1168
01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:24,920
C'mon, Slade. Take no prisoners...
1169
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:41,960
Oh, come off it!
1170
01:05:51,240 --> 01:05:52,800
Hold it, driver!
1171
01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:55,600
Penalty being taken.
1172
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:00,480
Go to your left.
1173
01:06:11,480 --> 01:06:13,320
Out you go!
1174
01:06:14,520 --> 01:06:16,960
Mr Cox, open the gates!
1175
01:06:35,480 --> 01:06:38,576
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
1176
01:06:38,600 --> 01:06:40,296
Hallelujah!
1177
01:06:40,320 --> 01:06:47,040
Hallelujah!
1178
01:06:59,240 --> 01:07:00,736
Everything all right?
1179
01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:01,816
Who's the bird?
1180
01:07:01,840 --> 01:07:03,896
My sister-in-law.
What's she doing here?
1181
01:07:03,920 --> 01:07:05,936
It's more natural, married couple,
touring.
1182
01:07:05,960 --> 01:07:07,576
This time of year?! Ah, come on.
1183
01:07:07,600 --> 01:07:10,056
Hang on a minute.
Don't say you brought a suitcase?!
1184
01:07:10,080 --> 01:07:13,576
Don't be so stupid!
Come on, Fletcher.
1185
01:07:13,600 --> 01:07:15,816
I wasn't told about this.
1186
01:07:15,840 --> 01:07:17,400
Come on!
1187
01:07:21,600 --> 01:07:24,216
I wasn't told about this!
Shut up!
1188
01:07:24,240 --> 01:07:26,016
Who are they?! Don't look at me.
1189
01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:29,920
Look, Fletch, a woman!
Yeah. All right. Get in there.
1190
01:07:48,720 --> 01:07:52,000
What's the hurry, Mr Barrowclough?
I'm dying for a Jimmy Riddle!
1191
01:07:53,520 --> 01:07:56,240
You berk. Here y'are, lads.
1192
01:07:59,080 --> 01:08:00,816
Hop it, Simkins!
1193
01:08:00,840 --> 01:08:04,096
Don't look at me, lads,
there's 11 in the team!
1194
01:08:04,120 --> 01:08:06,376
Only one of us
let the ball through his legs.
1195
01:08:06,400 --> 01:08:08,096
Where's Fletch?
Probably knackered.
1196
01:08:08,120 --> 01:08:09,920
It's not like Fletch
to miss his orange.
1197
01:08:29,240 --> 01:08:31,976
Jolly good close game. Your chaps
were unlucky not to equalise.
1198
01:08:32,000 --> 01:08:33,496
Not my chaps.
1199
01:08:33,520 --> 01:08:35,056
I'm strictly impartial.
1200
01:08:35,080 --> 01:08:37,856
Young Budge was playing rather well.
1201
01:08:37,880 --> 01:08:39,056
Rudge, sir.
1202
01:08:39,080 --> 01:08:40,096
That's what I said.
1203
01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:42,296
Any word on the walking wounded
in there?
1204
01:08:42,320 --> 01:08:43,816
Mr Mackay...
1205
01:08:43,840 --> 01:08:46,656
Just a moment, Henry.
Yes, but, you see...
1206
01:08:46,680 --> 01:08:49,096
I'm talking to the Governor,
Mr Barrowclough!
1207
01:08:49,120 --> 01:08:50,496
Yes, but...
1208
01:08:50,520 --> 01:08:53,320
There's something
I think you ought to know.
1209
01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,656
Cheer up, Fletch!
I've done you a favour, son.
1210
01:08:59,680 --> 01:09:02,136
We're free and clear!
1211
01:09:02,160 --> 01:09:04,256
You think they haven't blocked
the roads?
1212
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:06,656
We're going North, to Scotland.
1213
01:09:06,680 --> 01:09:09,176
They'll never figure on that,
will they, eh?
1214
01:09:09,200 --> 01:09:12,176
Never figure on Dumfries.
Dumfries?
1215
01:09:12,200 --> 01:09:14,296
Queen o' the South, their team.
1216
01:09:14,320 --> 01:09:16,696
Scottish League Division B, as was.
1217
01:09:16,720 --> 01:09:19,576
0, Hamilton Academicals: 1.
1218
01:09:19,600 --> 01:09:20,776
Is he all right?
1219
01:09:20,800 --> 01:09:23,056
He banged his head on the goalpost.
1220
01:09:23,080 --> 01:09:25,256
At least he's oblivious
to this fiasco!
1221
01:09:25,280 --> 01:09:28,376
O. All right. Leave it out.
1222
01:09:28,400 --> 01:09:32,496
What do you mean, fiasco?
Sweet as a nut, this is.
1223
01:09:32,520 --> 01:09:34,416
Listen, Oaksey, you obviously
got good reason
1224
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:35,856
for doing something this drastic.
1225
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:37,936
I've got under a year to go.
And the lads, even less.
1226
01:09:37,960 --> 01:09:39,616
You're doing us no favours, Oaksey.
1227
01:09:39,640 --> 01:09:42,296
I haven't got the money
for plastic surgery
1228
01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:44,696
and a first-class ticket
to Acapulco.
1229
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:47,416
And I certainly do not relish
wintering in Dumfries.
1230
01:09:47,440 --> 01:09:50,576
D'y'know, I'm very upset
you feel that way. Oh, yeah?
1231
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:52,816
But I had to bring you.
You can see that, can't you?
1232
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:54,416
You don't have to bring us
no further.
1233
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,536
Dump us. Gawd knows
we're in the middle of nowhere.
1234
01:09:56,560 --> 01:09:58,256
You know about Dumfries.
1235
01:09:58,280 --> 01:10:00,216
I don't know nothing, son.
1236
01:10:00,240 --> 01:10:02,400
It's still them and us, remember?
1237
01:10:08,560 --> 01:10:10,216
On your way, then.
1238
01:10:10,240 --> 01:10:12,536
Yeah, see you, Oaksey.
1239
01:10:12,560 --> 01:10:14,960
I hope not!
1240
01:10:19,800 --> 01:10:21,056
We're out!
1241
01:10:21,080 --> 01:10:22,560
Yeah, I know, son.
1242
01:10:24,120 --> 01:10:25,680
Come on.
1243
01:10:31,200 --> 01:10:33,616
Yes, yes, I'll wait.
1244
01:10:33,640 --> 01:10:34,896
Ah!
1245
01:10:34,920 --> 01:10:37,376
Everything's in hand, sir.
They won't get far.
1246
01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:39,616
Police have been informed
in four counties,
1247
01:10:39,640 --> 01:10:41,696
road checks on all major roads
south and east.
1248
01:10:41,720 --> 01:10:43,376
Local police are looking
for the coach,
1249
01:10:43,400 --> 01:10:45,976
and I'm detailing some
of our men to help them, sir.
1250
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:47,896
And I'm having to ring
the Home Office.
1251
01:10:47,920 --> 01:10:50,456
Oh... Oh, indeed, Mr Mackay!
1252
01:10:50,480 --> 01:10:53,096
I shan't forget this football match
was your suggestion!
1253
01:10:53,120 --> 01:10:54,536
Mine, sir?
1254
01:10:54,560 --> 01:10:56,136
Oh, no, sir!
1255
01:10:56,160 --> 01:11:00,016
No, no, let us be fair.
The idea came from Mr Beal.
1256
01:11:00,040 --> 01:11:01,056
Did it?
1257
01:11:01,080 --> 01:11:04,856
Oh, sorry. Look, I know you've got
other things on your mind,
1258
01:11:04,880 --> 01:11:07,696
but without the coach, how am
I gonna get my chaps back to London?
1259
01:11:07,720 --> 01:11:09,056
Er... Oh, hello?
1260
01:11:09,080 --> 01:11:11,176
Would you mind, sir?
1261
01:11:11,200 --> 01:11:15,256
Treadaway, Slade.
1262
01:11:30,920 --> 01:11:32,776
You all right, Len?
1263
01:11:32,800 --> 01:11:34,056
I think so.
1264
01:11:34,080 --> 01:11:36,376
Good, cos we're both gonna need
clear heads
1265
01:11:36,400 --> 01:11:38,256
if we're gonna get ourselves
out of this mess!
1266
01:11:38,280 --> 01:11:41,976
'Ere, stick some of these
in your pockets.
1267
01:11:42,000 --> 01:11:44,816
What for?
Sustenance, son. Sustenance.
1268
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:46,696
We might be out all night in this,
you know.
1269
01:11:46,720 --> 01:11:49,016
He's really dropped us in it!
1270
01:11:49,040 --> 01:11:51,056
It weren't our fault.
1271
01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:52,856
Wasn't us who went over the wall.
I know!
1272
01:11:52,880 --> 01:11:54,656
But the screws don't know that,
do they?
1273
01:11:54,680 --> 01:11:56,336
They've had a conflab by now,
won't they?
1274
01:11:56,360 --> 01:11:57,976
"Whose idea
was this football match?"
1275
01:11:58,000 --> 01:12:00,336
"Fletcher's, sir."
"Oh, yes? Really? Very nice."
1276
01:12:00,360 --> 01:12:02,496
They'll put two and two together
and make three.
1277
01:12:02,520 --> 01:12:04,096
Three? Three years.
1278
01:12:04,120 --> 01:12:05,816
That's why we can't let 'em
catch us.
1279
01:12:05,840 --> 01:12:07,976
Can't we give ourselves up
to the law?
1280
01:12:08,000 --> 01:12:10,896
We can't do that. They wouldn't let
us get a word in edgeways.
1281
01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:12,976
Some local bobby's not gonna
pass up the chance
1282
01:12:13,000 --> 01:12:14,736
of capturing us single-handed,
is he?
1283
01:12:14,760 --> 01:12:15,856
A commendation for him.
1284
01:12:15,880 --> 01:12:17,800
Another notch on his truncheon,
in't it?
1285
01:12:19,680 --> 01:12:21,136
What are we going to do?
1286
01:12:21,160 --> 01:12:24,760
Well, actually, I've got
the perfect solution. What?
1287
01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:27,936
We're going to break back in.
1288
01:12:27,960 --> 01:12:30,240
Yeah, I know, I know. Come on.
1289
01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:34,456
Hey, why don't we nick a chicken?
Don't be silly.
1290
01:12:34,480 --> 01:12:37,416
It's Wednesday afternoon. Where'd
we get sage and onion stuffing?
1291
01:12:37,440 --> 01:12:39,480
Use your loaf.
1292
01:13:02,560 --> 01:13:06,280
Oi! Come back here!
1293
01:13:25,040 --> 01:13:28,376
Nymphs and shepherds gone away
1294
01:13:28,400 --> 01:13:29,816
Gone away!
1295
01:13:29,840 --> 01:13:32,080
QUIET! QUIET!
1296
01:13:34,880 --> 01:13:38,640
Gone, gone, gone, gone away!
1297
01:13:41,640 --> 01:13:43,656
Hey, Fletch? What?
1298
01:13:43,680 --> 01:13:45,840
How d'you know we're going
the right way?
1299
01:13:47,160 --> 01:13:49,200
By the sun.
1300
01:15:04,120 --> 01:15:05,936
Excuse me!
1301
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:07,296
Can you tell me what's going on?
1302
01:15:07,320 --> 01:15:09,136
No-one else seems to know.
1303
01:15:09,160 --> 01:15:11,336
We're gonna miss our train
if we don't leave soon.
1304
01:15:11,360 --> 01:15:14,016
Oh, I'm sorry, but the police want
statements from all of you.
1305
01:15:14,040 --> 01:15:19,176
You see, this whole job could all
have been worked out in advance.
1306
01:15:19,200 --> 01:15:21,416
I bet if we'd brought
Michael Parkinson or the Goodies,
1307
01:15:21,440 --> 01:15:23,336
you wouldn't have held them
for questioning.
1308
01:15:23,360 --> 01:15:25,576
Probably not.
1309
01:15:25,600 --> 01:15:28,080
But of course, you didn't, did you?
1310
01:15:37,480 --> 01:15:38,896
Oh, dear.
1311
01:15:38,920 --> 01:15:41,360
I told you it would be dodgy.
1312
01:15:47,600 --> 01:15:49,656
Come on, come on, don't flag.
1313
01:15:49,680 --> 01:15:51,056
Jab! Jab!
1314
01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:53,616
It's the big one next week, sir.
1315
01:15:53,640 --> 01:15:56,080
HORSE NEIGHS
1316
01:15:57,320 --> 01:15:58,936
Who was that?
1317
01:15:58,960 --> 01:16:00,816
Couple of escaped convicts.
1318
01:16:00,840 --> 01:16:02,160
Oh.
1319
01:16:06,120 --> 01:16:08,456
Oh, Fletch, leave the bell alone.
1320
01:16:08,480 --> 01:16:11,800
I s'pose you're right.
Old habits die hard.
1321
01:16:13,640 --> 01:16:16,240
Might as well give 'em this
back an' all.
1322
01:16:24,280 --> 01:16:26,016
You just won't admit it.
1323
01:16:26,040 --> 01:16:28,256
We're lost.
1324
01:16:28,280 --> 01:16:30,736
It's gonna be dark soon,
we're gonna have to sleep rough.
1325
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:32,376
There's gonna be a frost tonight.
1326
01:16:32,400 --> 01:16:35,176
All right for some of us.
Some of us have got long trousers!
1327
01:16:35,200 --> 01:16:36,800
Shh! What is it?
1328
01:16:38,640 --> 01:16:40,160
I heard something.
1329
01:16:41,280 --> 01:16:42,976
TWIGS SNAPPING UNDERFOOT
1330
01:16:43,000 --> 01:16:44,736
Thank you, Hiawatha
1331
01:16:44,760 --> 01:16:47,056
Hiawatha didn't wear football boots,
did she?
1332
01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:49,640
He. Get down!
1333
01:16:51,280 --> 01:16:53,000
What is it?
1334
01:16:54,200 --> 01:16:55,696
Cops.
1335
01:16:55,720 --> 01:16:58,456
Copse? You mean like a wooded glade?
Yeah.
1336
01:16:58,480 --> 01:17:02,000
A wooded glade crawling
with bleedin' cops!
1337
01:17:12,240 --> 01:17:14,656
Mackay, Slade Prison.
1338
01:17:14,680 --> 01:17:16,496
Any developments, Sergeant?
1339
01:17:16,520 --> 01:17:18,256
Nothing.
They'll be long gone by now.
1340
01:17:18,280 --> 01:17:20,056
Did you check the ground
for tyre tracks?
1341
01:17:20,080 --> 01:17:21,136
Of a getaway vehicle.
1342
01:17:21,160 --> 01:17:23,856
D'y'know, we never thought
of that...
1343
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:25,776
I didn't mean to imply...
1344
01:17:25,800 --> 01:17:28,576
If you did your job as well as us,
they wouldn't be out, would they?
1345
01:17:28,600 --> 01:17:30,696
This is not an everyday occurrence!
1346
01:17:30,720 --> 01:17:33,296
You'd expect one odd con
to tunnel out
1347
01:17:33,320 --> 01:17:35,016
or go over the wall
on a rope ladder,
1348
01:17:35,040 --> 01:17:36,856
but three of them?!
1349
01:17:36,880 --> 01:17:40,576
Driving out... in a bus?!
1350
01:17:40,600 --> 01:17:42,336
All right, lads, we're through here.
1351
01:17:42,360 --> 01:17:43,856
What about the coach?
1352
01:17:43,880 --> 01:17:46,040
It's all yours.
We're finished with it.
1353
01:18:01,040 --> 01:18:03,456
Mr Collinson, you get back
to the prison.
1354
01:18:03,480 --> 01:18:05,920
I will drive the coach
with Mr Miller.
1355
01:18:12,240 --> 01:18:15,576
Er, are you sure you can drive
this thing, sir?
1356
01:18:15,600 --> 01:18:19,640
This?! No bother at all.
1357
01:18:30,920 --> 01:18:33,096
Right, come on.
1358
01:18:37,240 --> 01:18:39,320
Clutch!
1359
01:18:43,040 --> 01:18:45,240
Straight back as you are.
1360
01:18:48,480 --> 01:18:50,176
That's it. Come on.
1361
01:18:50,200 --> 01:18:54,280
Keep coming, Mr Mackay.
Come on. Straight back!
1362
01:19:00,120 --> 01:19:02,136
Come on, a bit more.
1363
01:19:02,160 --> 01:19:04,280
All right, you're clear there!
1364
01:19:16,160 --> 01:19:17,416
Oh, it's you, Mr Mackay!
1365
01:19:17,440 --> 01:19:19,536
Yes, it's me, laddie!
1366
01:19:19,560 --> 01:19:21,136
If you'd have been half awake
earlier,
1367
01:19:21,160 --> 01:19:22,536
this would never have happened!
1368
01:19:22,560 --> 01:19:24,600
Yes, sir!
1369
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:45,696
It's cold.
1370
01:19:45,720 --> 01:19:48,496
If they're out in the open, it'll
freeze their brass monkeys off.
1371
01:19:48,520 --> 01:19:52,520
I hope so, Mr Miller. I hope so!
1372
01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:14,480
It's just like the wooden horse.
1373
01:20:37,360 --> 01:20:40,136
What wooden horse?
1374
01:20:40,160 --> 01:20:41,856
The Greeks and the Trojans.
1375
01:20:41,880 --> 01:20:44,416
That's how the Greeks got into Troy.
1376
01:20:44,440 --> 01:20:48,256
Save the history lesson till
we get back to our flowery dell.
1377
01:20:48,280 --> 01:20:50,256
How are you gonna manage that?
1378
01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:52,816
Have I ever let you down?
1379
01:20:52,840 --> 01:20:54,176
No.
1380
01:20:54,200 --> 01:20:55,856
Well, I might now.
1381
01:20:55,880 --> 01:20:57,680
Come on.
1382
01:21:06,720 --> 01:21:09,440
Freeze! I'm freezing already!
1383
01:21:18,480 --> 01:21:20,600
What's this?
C'mon, give us a hand.
1384
01:21:26,960 --> 01:21:29,000
Come on.
1385
01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:40,056
But it's half-past eight.
The club should be open!
1386
01:21:40,080 --> 01:21:41,696
I didn't open up,
1387
01:21:41,720 --> 01:21:44,616
as under the circumstances,
I thought nobody would be here.
1388
01:21:44,640 --> 01:21:46,496
Yes, well, in the circumstances,
1389
01:21:46,520 --> 01:21:48,680
I need a drink
more than most evenings!
1390
01:21:50,040 --> 01:21:52,336
What'll it be, Mr Barrowclough?
1391
01:21:52,360 --> 01:21:54,176
Something to keep out the cold.
1392
01:21:54,200 --> 01:21:55,696
Yes, it's bitter out.
1393
01:21:55,720 --> 01:21:57,176
It's bitter in.
1394
01:21:57,200 --> 01:21:59,160
Make those two large ones, will you?
1395
01:22:00,440 --> 01:22:03,456
You know, I'm surprised at Fletcher
and Godber going over.
1396
01:22:03,480 --> 01:22:05,416
Surprised and disappointed.
1397
01:22:05,440 --> 01:22:08,176
You will never learn, will you,
Mr Barrowclough?
1398
01:22:08,200 --> 01:22:10,056
You can't judge these people
1399
01:22:10,080 --> 01:22:11,856
by our standards of decency
and behaviour.
1400
01:22:11,880 --> 01:22:14,040
They are the dregs of society.
1401
01:22:15,400 --> 01:22:17,440
GROANING
1402
01:22:18,760 --> 01:22:20,216
What was that?
1403
01:22:20,240 --> 01:22:21,576
Ssh, ssh.
1404
01:22:21,600 --> 01:22:23,056
Help!
1405
01:22:23,080 --> 01:22:25,120
It's coming from the store room!
1406
01:22:28,040 --> 01:22:29,496
Help!
1407
01:22:29,520 --> 01:22:30,536
It's locked.
1408
01:22:30,560 --> 01:22:32,936
Course it's locked.
That's where I keep all the booze.
1409
01:22:32,960 --> 01:22:35,320
Give me the keys. Help!
1410
01:22:37,520 --> 01:22:41,016
Oh, thank God, Mr Mackay!
Saved at last!
1411
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:43,056
Where are we? Who is it?
1412
01:22:43,080 --> 01:22:46,520
Don't worry, Len.
Our ordeal is over.
1413
01:22:50,320 --> 01:22:54,776
You're saying that Oakes forced you
down the delivery hatch?!
1414
01:22:54,800 --> 01:22:57,376
At gunpoint, sir!
Well, he had to do something.
1415
01:22:57,400 --> 01:23:00,136
Otherwise we would've blown
the on him, sir.
1416
01:23:00,160 --> 01:23:02,256
We'd have gone and seen Mr Mackay,
1417
01:23:02,280 --> 01:23:05,096
who happened to have the
at the time.
1418
01:23:05,120 --> 01:23:06,776
It's no laughing matter, Fletcher.
1419
01:23:06,800 --> 01:23:08,576
The man's been drinking, sir!
1420
01:23:08,600 --> 01:23:11,456
I had to, sir.
It was only medicinal, sir.
1421
01:23:11,480 --> 01:23:13,696
It was perishing down there.
The audacity of it!
1422
01:23:13,720 --> 01:23:15,936
Prisoners
in a Prison Officers' Club!
1423
01:23:15,960 --> 01:23:19,320
That was a very shrewd move
on Oakes's part, sir.
1424
01:23:20,600 --> 01:23:22,240
I don't follow you.
1425
01:23:23,640 --> 01:23:26,616
He knew it was the one place where
you'd never find a prison officer.
1426
01:23:26,640 --> 01:23:28,720
HE LAUGHS
1427
01:23:36,440 --> 01:23:40,816
There'll be one or two red faces in
the Governor's office this morning!
1428
01:23:40,840 --> 01:23:43,056
King, please.
1429
01:23:43,080 --> 01:23:45,096
They put it out on BBC last night,
1430
01:23:45,120 --> 01:23:47,976
"Three prisoners escape
from Slade Prison."
1431
01:23:48,000 --> 01:23:51,416
This morning they've got to say,
"Sorry, we only meant one!"
1432
01:23:51,440 --> 01:23:54,016
Makes 'em look as if
they can't count, don't it?
1433
01:23:54,040 --> 01:23:56,240
Oi, Fletcher!
1434
01:23:58,040 --> 01:24:00,376
Oh, hello, Mr Grouty, sir.
1435
01:24:00,400 --> 01:24:01,936
There'll be something for you
1436
01:24:01,960 --> 01:24:04,056
in your Christmas stocking,
Fletcher.
1437
01:24:04,080 --> 01:24:06,960
Oh, thank you, sir.
I'll look forward to that, sir.
1438
01:24:08,160 --> 01:24:09,760
Carry on.
1439
01:24:13,600 --> 01:24:15,416
What did he mean by that, Fletch?
1440
01:24:15,440 --> 01:24:17,976
Oh, I got him some millet
for their lovebirds.
1441
01:24:18,000 --> 01:24:20,616
I didn't know Samson and Delilah
ate millet?!
1442
01:24:20,640 --> 01:24:22,976
The cage birds,
you stupid little nerk!
1443
01:24:24,200 --> 01:24:25,800
Oh, dear.
1444
01:24:27,840 --> 01:24:30,376
I don't know why you kowtow
to that man Grout.
1445
01:24:30,400 --> 01:24:32,776
I know you don't, Mr Banyard.
1446
01:24:32,800 --> 01:24:34,920
That's why your nose
looks like it does.
1447
01:24:39,800 --> 01:24:41,696
'Ere, Fletch. What?
1448
01:24:41,720 --> 01:24:42,936
All right, you are.
1449
01:24:42,960 --> 01:24:44,456
Am I? Yeah. You use your head.
1450
01:24:44,480 --> 01:24:46,576
All you got in here.
I'm learning that.
1451
01:24:46,600 --> 01:24:48,056
Good.
1452
01:24:48,080 --> 01:24:51,296
OK, here's today's
lucky horoscope for Taurus the bull.
1453
01:24:51,320 --> 01:24:54,216
Romantic inclinations
may pull you in one direction,
1454
01:24:54,240 --> 01:24:57,840
but cool common sense will be urging
you to follow another course.
1455
01:25:04,160 --> 01:25:08,576
Everybody's been asking me today
what really happened. Oh, yeah?
1456
01:25:08,600 --> 01:25:12,600
You'd be amazed at some of the
theories people have come out with.
1457
01:25:14,040 --> 01:25:15,936
Still, you're all right.
1458
01:25:15,960 --> 01:25:18,496
It all adds fuel
to the Fletcher legend.
1459
01:25:18,520 --> 01:25:20,056
What's the matter with you?
1460
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:21,856
Well, we're still in this cell,
aren't we,
1461
01:25:21,880 --> 01:25:23,176
while Oakes is Hardy Kruger?!
1462
01:25:23,200 --> 01:25:24,536
Hardy Kruger?
1463
01:25:24,560 --> 01:25:26,696
"The One That Got Away".
1464
01:25:26,720 --> 01:25:30,816
A film, starring Hardy Kruger.
1465
01:25:30,840 --> 01:25:32,376
Well, I shouldn't worry about it.
1466
01:25:32,400 --> 01:25:34,480
Before long, he's gonna be
Googie Withers again!
1467
01:25:35,440 --> 01:25:36,736
Googie Withers?
1468
01:25:36,760 --> 01:25:38,400
"Within These Walls".
1469
01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:43,776
Maybe not. Maybe he got abroad.
1470
01:25:43,800 --> 01:25:46,816
He'll hate it. They always do.
1471
01:25:46,840 --> 01:25:49,816
You can't sit in the sun
for the rest of your life, can you?
1472
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:54,616
Before too long, he'll get homesick
about Halifax, or wherever he lives.
1473
01:25:54,640 --> 01:25:59,720
He'll miss kippers, or custard,
wildcat strikes.
1474
01:26:01,120 --> 01:26:03,136
Maybe...
1475
01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:06,336
Look, Len, why don't you
bide your time, eh?
1476
01:26:06,360 --> 01:26:09,856
I mean, you'll soon be off out
of here, won't you? Free and clear.
1477
01:26:09,880 --> 01:26:12,536
And you won't be looking over
your shoulder all the time.
1478
01:26:12,560 --> 01:26:15,880
You won't be listening out
for every creak on the stair.
1479
01:26:18,280 --> 01:26:19,936
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Fletch.
1480
01:26:19,960 --> 01:26:21,736
I just wasn't thinking straight.
1481
01:26:21,760 --> 01:26:24,776
The fresh air must have gone
to my head. Schtum.
1482
01:26:24,800 --> 01:26:26,600
Evening, Mr Mackay.
1483
01:26:28,760 --> 01:26:30,496
I won't buy it, Fletcher.
1484
01:26:30,520 --> 01:26:33,320
That's just as well, sir,
cos it ain't for sale.
1485
01:26:34,520 --> 01:26:36,776
You know to what I am referring.
1486
01:26:36,800 --> 01:26:38,976
The Governor may believe your story,
1487
01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:41,640
but the Governor
does not walk these floors.
1488
01:26:46,560 --> 01:26:49,016
I was in the village today.
1489
01:26:49,040 --> 01:26:53,136
Some peculiar reports.
Sightings, you might say.
1490
01:26:53,160 --> 01:26:55,096
Oh, yeah? UFOs you mean, sir?
1491
01:26:55,120 --> 01:26:56,336
Oh, yes.
1492
01:26:56,360 --> 01:26:58,976
Unidentified Fleeing Objects.
1493
01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,496
A boxer in shorts with his trainer.
1494
01:27:01,520 --> 01:27:03,336
A sexton's missing bicycle.
1495
01:27:03,360 --> 01:27:07,296
A farmer sees two thieves running
from his apple store.
1496
01:27:07,320 --> 01:27:09,736
Now, I can't prove you were out,
Fletcher...
1497
01:27:09,760 --> 01:27:11,376
Godber.
1498
01:27:11,400 --> 01:27:13,080
But mark my words...
1499
01:27:14,520 --> 01:27:16,560
..my day will come.
1500
01:27:27,680 --> 01:27:29,720
'Free Inside' by Joe Brown
1501
01:27:37,080 --> 01:27:40,296
Made a wrong turn at 17
1502
01:27:40,320 --> 01:27:42,896
Took me down a one-way street
1503
01:27:42,920 --> 01:27:47,096
I should have listened to my head
And turned right round
1504
01:27:47,120 --> 01:27:49,936
Instead I just followed my feet
1505
01:27:49,960 --> 01:27:54,176
I thought I was heading
In the right direction
1506
01:27:54,200 --> 01:27:57,776
But it was downhill all the way
1507
01:27:57,800 --> 01:28:00,696
Oh, sooner or later
1508
01:28:00,720 --> 01:28:02,576
The man's gonna take ya
1509
01:28:02,600 --> 01:28:06,416
Turn o' the key and lock you away
1510
01:28:06,440 --> 01:28:10,816
But it's gonna be all right
1511
01:28:10,840 --> 01:28:11,880
It's coming out good
1512
01:28:12,920 --> 01:28:15,696
It's gonna be all right
1513
01:28:15,720 --> 01:28:20,640
I'm changing my ways
And turning the tide
1514
01:28:23,160 --> 01:28:26,816
There's a piece of me
That no-one can take
1515
01:28:26,840 --> 01:28:29,296
And it's locked up in my head
1516
01:28:29,320 --> 01:28:34,536
And I've got the key
And it keeps me free inside
1517
01:28:34,560 --> 01:28:36,136
Inside
1518
01:28:36,160 --> 01:28:40,296
There's a piece of me
That no-one can take
1519
01:28:40,320 --> 01:28:43,696
And it's locked up in my head
1520
01:28:43,720 --> 01:28:47,416
And I'm feeling free inside
1521
01:28:47,440 --> 01:28:51,736
I never gave you
No hard-luck stories
1522
01:28:51,760 --> 01:28:54,296
Never gave you no alibis
1523
01:28:54,320 --> 01:28:56,456
If your hand's in the hat
1524
01:28:56,480 --> 01:28:58,656
And you pull out a ticket
1525
01:28:58,680 --> 01:29:01,056
Don't mean you take the prize
1526
01:29:01,080 --> 01:29:05,416
I know I was heading
In the wrong direction
1527
01:29:05,440 --> 01:29:09,656
But a man can change his ways
1528
01:29:09,680 --> 01:29:13,416
Oh, sooner or later
Time's gonna make you
1529
01:29:13,440 --> 01:29:19,136
Count up the cost
And count up the days
1530
01:29:19,160 --> 01:29:21,160
But it's gonna be all right
1531
01:29:22,800 --> 01:29:24,336
It's coming out good
1532
01:29:24,360 --> 01:29:27,336
It's gonna be all right
1533
01:29:27,360 --> 01:29:31,760
I'm changing my ways
And turning the tide
1534
01:29:34,040 --> 01:29:38,216
There's a piece of me
That no-one can take...
1535
01:29:38,240 --> 01:29:41,696
And it's locked up In my head...